DeMarCaTionVille

Yesterday, we went to Dollywood with the Professor’s family, and it turned out to be the longest day in history. There had to be an additional 15 minutes tacked on to each hour – at least. I’m a bit surprised scientists aren’t scratching their heads over this unprecedented distortion of time. Perhaps they were all at home under the AC or sitting in the shade, which would make the drag less noticeable than, say, if they’d been standing in line, in the direct sun, for 51 minutes in 100 degree temperatures with a crowd of sweaty people in an area that smelled like the massive unwashed armpit of Goliath.

Fortunately, at about 6pm (we arrived at 9am, so we were there for 11hours and 25 minutes if you count the manipulation of time) we convinced the kids to leave the park (by the way, excessive whining and temper tantrums can work for parents too). Then, we headed over to the Great American Buffet, where there was great confusion over our drink order.

I, being a Southerner, wanted tea sweetened to a point just short of making it syrup. I asked for “regular” tea. The Professor, who is originally from Ohio and a *Buckeyes fan, wanted unsweetened tea, so he asked for “regular” tea.

The cashier (who was clearly a native Tennessean) and I tried to explain that, in the south, sweet tea is regular, and unsweetened tea is… well, abnormal. We simply don’t drink unsweetened tea here . Perhaps this is because Sweet Tea better complements the flavor of all things rolled in flour/cornmeal and fried in a bubbling vat of grease. But whatever the reason, sweet tea is widely considered the nectar of the southern gods Baptists (we don’t do polytheism or alcohol -wink, wink- here either.)

All of this this led to a discussion on nutrition, the amount of food Americans consume and waste and how the government has cracked down on pig slop: guess it was one of those “you had to be there” conversations.

But considering the topics on yesterday’s menu, I wasn’t surprised when I stumbled across News Channel 11’s report on fat Tennesseans. I’d actually checked in to see if MSM had picked up the distrubance in the flow of time yesterday. Naturally, they hadn’t. I discovered instead “a Centers For Disease Control and Prevention study revealed more than 30 percent of adults in Tennessee, Mississippi, and Alabama are obese, helping make sure the South is the country’s fattest region.”

MSNBC reported: In Tennessee, 30.1 percent of the population surveyed was obese, compared to 28.1 percent in 2006, the data shows. [...] For the report, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention analyzed data from a 2007 random telephone survey, relying on self-reported information on height and weight to determine obesity rankings.

WAIT! What? A telephone survey? Self-reported information? And what exactly does random mean? They played eenie meenie miney moe with the phone book?

How do we know respondents didn’t lie about their age, height or weight? Couldn’t the data be skewed by those women weighing over 120 pounds and who feel obese simply because they bear no resemblance to a Victoria Secret model?

What if the surveyors caught women, who are actually at a normal weight but were having a “fat day?” I’m not going to explain “fat days” here except to say that some women encounter days where they feel heavy, bloated, sweaty and capable of poking people in the eye with sharp object for no other reason other than they don’t like the way you look.

The results also do not take into account those people who have a genetic tendency to be overweight. (Whether you choose to believe this or not, not all overweight people have an unhealthy love of Big Macs and Moon Pies.) And what about those folks who suffer from health problems, which are a factor in obesity, or those taking prescription medications, which cause weight gain? Doesn’t Tennessee rank high in terms of prescription drug use?

Likewise, have we taken into account the aging population? Isn’t there a remote possibility that our numbers are inflated by middle-age spread and fact that older people like it down South?

Wouldn’t all of this create a very wide margin of error?

Nevertheless, based on questionable data, Trust for America’s Health has announced that national and state policies are falling far short of obesity control and reduction goals. Therefore, to help combat the obesity crisis, TFAH recommends some crucial government actions.

Here’s my problem with crucial government actions to address a problem when we have not yet identified the cause of the problem or the problem has a cause, which we really cannot address and still call this a “free” country: they lead to more studies, wherein questionable data is obtained, which means more recommendations for more crucial government actions, which will lead to more studies, wherein questionable data is obtained… continue the cycle, add an office, a department staff and five committees and a committee to regulate the other committees – and before you know it: non-nutritious food is the next tobacco. It costs us tons of money to regulate and study, therefore must be eliminated for the good of the people.

Look, the State of Tennessee already meets federal standards for school nutrition, has vending laws and many local school systems have adopted wellness policies beyond what is required. (The local nutrition policies can be found here.) Hawkins County and Rogersville City School distribute handouts at the beginning of each school year, which spell out their policies and offers a list of “acceptable” snacks – meaning we have now arrived at a point in time where bringing a cookie for school snack has tattle-tale tots tripping over their untied shoe laces and singing “You’re not sposta bring “fat-stuff” snacks! I’m telling the teacher!!”

Likewise, we mandate LEAs must provide 90 minutes a week of physical activity – although most are exceeding this. And we’re doing the coordinated school health plan. You can find more information on our local program here. Last year was Hawkins County’s first system-wide BMI/health assessment screening. I, along with several other parents, volunteered to help obtain height and weight while the school health coordinator and nurses charted student’s blood pressure readings, so I know they didn’t just make-up the numbers. (Schools with high aggregate BMI levels are encouraged to improve nutritional and physical activity programs – TN HB445, P.C. 194).

For adults and children, Tennessee offers countless opportunities and programs for those who want to walk, hike, bike, run, exercise, lose weight, play sports, dance, etc. Really, there’s no shortage of activities for the interested.

We tax soda and snacks at a higher rate than other food stuffs – unless these items are purchased under the Food Stamp program, and then I think they’re tax-free. Since Tennessee ranks fairly high in number of Food Stamp recipients, could it be that this government program, which exempts low income families from paying privilege taxes on unhealthy foods, actually makes poor people unhealthy?

How about some of the other policies which drive up the cost of nutritious food? Maybe before we blame fried green tomatoes and catfish for all the weight-problems, the government should consider how they’ve contributed? Hmm? Don’t you think?

As of right now, the only gripe the fat police have with Tennessee is a law which protects manufacturers, packers, distributors, carriers, holders, sellers, marketers, or advertisers of any food or beverage, or an association of those entities, from civil liability for any claim arising from weight gain, obesity, a health condition associated with weight gain or obesity, or other generally known condition allegedly caused by, or likely to result from, the long-term consumption of food.

So, do they think allowing folks to sue Little Debbie for encouraging consumption of Swiss Cake Rolls (which I suspect are addictive) or Oatmeal Pies by using her evil cutie-goodness to promote it, our obesity numbers will go down? Maybe this will serve as an incentive for food corporations to market fat-free edible cardboard with low-sodium faux salt?

I don’t think so.

Long before we knew that cooking stuff with, around, rolled up or submerged in and/or smothered with fat wasn’t good for us, Tennesseans have been eating deep-fried foods. But we weren’t always overweight. In fact, I think we’ve improved our diet over the years… and now you’re calling us fat?

Of course, I realize diet and nutrition contributes to obesity. I don’t deny this, but I also think the increase in rates is widespread and due to a combination of factors: changing demographics, love of processed and fast foods, failure to understand the term moderation, and the biggest – automation, computers, satellite TV and video games. Honestly, unless we make an effort to exercise, we could all live sedentary lives.

Government involvement isn’t going to magically fix these things – at least not in any way I’d consider acceptable. Alas, the more money the government spends on providing health care, the more ways they will seek to reduce costs. And since we cannot regulate health, we’ll have to regulate “lifestyle” as a form of prevention.

To a certain (very limited) extent, I can accept this. I’m all for promotion and education on the importance of physical activity and good nutrition. I’m even willing to accept that the schools need to address the problem of childhood obesity – if only so local systems cannot be blamed for the problem of childhood obesity… and be sued for their complicity.

I also think it’s important that parents are frequently reminded about the importance of physical activity for children. After all, children with their faces poked in the television or occupied with an X-Box are less likely to sustain an injury, get into trouble, make inordinate amounts of noise, rip their pants, soil their shirt, fight with their siblings or otherwise require a parent’s undivided attention. As a result, busy parents are all too willing to let this inactivity go. So yeah, they need an occasional reminder.

However, I don’t think we should do anything rash or start looking at our personal choices as something from which we all need to be rescued. But eventually we will.

And at such time the US Government requires me to jog or do any activity which could be described as “bouncy,” or when they try to place restrictions on or prohibit in any way my rights to enjoy Southern Foods, such as fried green tomatoes, okra, chicken, gumbo and beer-battered catfish, AND/OR they even attempt to limit how much sugar I can put in my tea, I do hereby declare the South will rise again.

I, personally, will lead a band of freedom fighters on the march to DC with the intention of **overthrowing the federal government. And the Revolution will not be televised… mostly because we’re fat and out-of-shape down here. This means many of us will have heart attacks, strokes and/or die of heat exhaustion before we make it to DC, therefore our numbers will be depleted. Plus, the rest of us will so tired from doin’ all that marching that a 63-year old unarmed DC tour guide could kick our ass, so you might not hear about our Revolution unless you read the Reuters’ Oddly Enough Section.

But that’s not the point. It’s the principle of the matter.

You know how they say: freedom ain’t free – well, this means a lot of different things. One of them being if you expect the government to pay for your poor choices, you’re going to see those choices eliminated. It’s that simple. And if I had my druthers – I’d druther live fat, free and Southern Fried than extend my life expectancy by five years and live to see the day Mama’s cooking is outlawed and I’m required by law to bounce.

*The Professor and I have learned to be friends in spite of his “Ohio State” flaw – because I’m not an NCAAist. I abhor NCAAism. Although I’m All Vol, some of my best friends are Buckeyes. In fact, many times my children have heard NCAAist people call me a Big-10-Lover but I’ve taught them you should never judge people by their preferred sports team… and if a Buckeye should ever run for office, you shouldn’t make this an issue in the campaign but you should automatically attack anyone who even mentions it, hints at it, uses it for satirical purposes or says something that could be misconstrued or twisted in any way as being an NCAAist statement.

** I would like to welcome all visitors from the Department of Homeland Security. Howdy, ya’ll.

Tags: buffets, Choices, Dollywood, food, Freedom, I like my Tofu Southern-Fried, NCAAism, Obesity, Sedentary, Tennessee, The Professor, Time and Space Mutations, Walmart and other attempts at world domination