The Shill of the Brethren called a few days ago to announce, “The Republicans aren’t pleased with you.”
WAIT. Before we proceed, I’ll need a disclaimer.
[DISCLAIMER: The following transcript may contain politically incorrect statements, stereotypes, profanity, brief nudity, mild violence and a general disregard for the Republican party. It probably won't have all of those things, but just in case, reader discretion is advised. Any resemblance to AP content is purely coincidental. All opinions and statements herein are solely those of the individual persons or participants in the conversation, and are not adopted or endorsed or verified by any national, state or local political party, candidate, County Commissioner Charlie Newton, my hairdresser or the Ron Paul Truth people. While efforts have been made to ensure the accuracy of this transcript, DeMarCaTionVille cannot accept any legal responsibility for errors, omissions, misstatements or mistakes in the transcript considering the conversation took place during the TMC airing of The Trouble With Harry. So, I may have missed some things. And for the record, I do hold the Shill in high regard. I just can't hold him there very long once he starts talking, because I tend to get bored, drop him, and wander off in search of beer and ear plugs... only to come back later and realize I've forgotten where I put him. Good thing I've got a couple of spare Republicans lying around to displease... otherwise, I'd be without a hobby, aye?]
Anyway, the Shill launched into a friendly lecture, which I didn’t quite catch because I was musing upon how cute Shirley MacLaine was. But he said, “something, something, wah, wah, wah, uncalled for attacks on candidates, It ended with, “that crap you write online.”
“You’ve been reading your How to Win Friends and Influence People book again, haven’t you?” I mumbled through my mouthful of mango.
I wasn’t terribly concerned.
In this area, “The Republicans” is an extremely vague reference. It doesn’t necessarily refer to party leaders, organizers, a majority of people active in the party or even people whom are registered to vote. The Republicans can mean any group of five or more people who self-identify as Republicans and are concentrated in one area, frequent a common locale, support a particular candidate, agree on a single issue and/or simply don’t like the “other” Republicans because one of them stole another’s wife, Merle Haggard cassette tape or weed-eater. Each group assumes they are the “True Republicans” and the others… well, they’re RINOs accused of secretly loving Palm Springs, Planned Parenthood and Dunkin’ Donuts.
Announcing that I annoy some of those groups is akin to declaring: “Hey, your boobs move when you inhale and exhale.” Sure, it’s an accurate observation but of an occurrence so natural and ongoing, it doesn’t need to be announced. In fact, the only reason I’d need to know I’ve offended “Republicans” is if the offense had resulted in me being dumped from a rich uncle’s will or my facts were wrong. But I don’t have a rich uncle and I’ve not been corrected by any Republicans lately. The few I have picked on deserved it. I know it, and so do they.
Nevertheless, I’m expected to play along.
Since Shill of the Brethren is a fanatic David Davis supporter, I ventured a fun guess as to the identity of the angry people, “It’s the Davis followers again, isn’t it? He always has the local mouth-foamers in his camp. Lashing out is a recreational sport for them. And I didn’t write about the shady BAE campaign contributions. Foster did.”
“Foster made a mountain out of a molehill. There’s no way in hell I’d have made a story out of that, but difference is he’s probably a liberal. ”
“The difference is location. You’re in the camp, he’s on the Estate. Foster is just doing his job.”
The Shill of the Brethren has nothing to say about this, so he moves on: “Well, it’s not just the Davis supporters.”
“Oh, have the locals discovered that I have Daily Kos in my feedreader? I heard the Republicans frown on this and allege Kos readers are perverts who support terrorism and have bad parenting skills.”
“That is not what Hobbs wrote and you know it. You realize when you distort things like that, you come off sounding like a complete moonbat. Have you gone moonbatty on me?”
“You cannot officially be a moonbat until you’ve embraced Universal Health Care and have accused at least four white people of being racist. I’m not there yet. Two to go.”
“Well, this has nothing to do with you feed reader, and I think you know that.”
“Oh, is it because I’m foul-mouthed and abusive then?”
“No.”
“Well, I’ve been trying. I’m using the word cooter more often. I picked it up from Aunt B. I’m not entirely I would consider it foul-mouthed. It’s more of a quaint and cozy word for…”
“Stop! I know what it’s a word for, just… I mean… My God! you’re… can’t you… [blah, blah, watching movie]I’ve looked at your blog and I am… uh curious as to why you link to liberal bloggers like that Aunt B, more than you do conservative ones. For someone who claims to be conservative or – excuse me – nonpartisan, the liberal links outweigh the conservative ones. Why is that?”
“I link to smart people with interesting ideas. I’ve linked to Terry Frank too. She’s so conservative, you have to count her six times for every one link. And uh, why are you counting my links? Are Republicans restricting access to the outside influences now? Kinda like being politically Amish? I’m not sure I trust your totals, but I’m hesitant to ask for a recount. Those never turn out well. Ah nevermind. Considering the whole Daily Kos conflict, I don’t think you should be talking to me at all. You could be shunned. I’m going to hang up now… you know, to protect you… and my mango is getting smushy. I dont’ like smushy mango.”
“Wait, is it true you went to Democratic function?”
“No, it most certainly is not! It’s not until next week.”
“You’re really going? You’re hanging out with the liberals now.”
“Uh, I’m going to a Democratic shindig in rural Hawkins County to hear Rob Russell speak.. with people who probably attend the Baptist church with your Mama. I dunno. How many liberals do you think will be there?”
“You’re not seriously going to vote for Rob Russell, are you? I mean, it’s no wonder people think you’re abandoning the party. Are you? Abandoning the party?”
“Maybe because I heard that when the Democrats meet they all get nekked and dance around a statue of Obama while Johnny plays the banjo. Don’t tell anybody though, it’s top secret. But yeah. It sounds like fun.”
“Are you seriously not voting for Davis again?”
“I didn’t vote for Davis the first time – and no, I’d rather attend a Ford Family Reunion, kiss Al Sharpton and stick Mike Williams’ #3 lapel pin in my eye.”
“Are you going to the GOP event in Maynardville… you know, as part of your new nonpartisan blogger thing? You could post pictures of that too.”
“What event in Maynardville… isn’t that Union County?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Uh, I read Cecile’s blog! That’s not a local event – and it’s a Lincoln Day Dinner. You KNOW how I feel about Lincoln Day dinners. They are to Republicans what alter calls are to Baptists. Serious business. Besides, I’ve already heard Mike Faulk speak, what would be point of paying for a re-run? Unless Stacey Campfield is going to be there. Is he?”
“I don’t know. Does it matter?”
“Eh, he has good jokes. So, uh… okay, yeah that’s my demand. You get me Stacey Campfield and I’ll go. Or BBQ and beer would be an acceptable substitute for Stacey Campfield. And cash. I’d take cash too.”
“Look, I know you’re joking around, but other people might not. And you know this is an important election year particularly for our state. So, what you put out there matters. People are reading this stuff you write online and it comes up in internet searches and.. I mean, well… uh… you could support your party.”
“What party? I have no party. I never claimed to be Republican. I just happen to vote for Republicans most of the time… well, except in `94 when I didn’t, but lets not discuss that. Can’t we just say I’m the voter Huckabee warned you about and drop it?”
“What about McCain? Mike Faulk? When are you going to endorse Mike Faulk?”
“Endorse. Hee. You think CNN is chomping at the bit to see which way I’ll go?”
“No, I’m just curious about when you’re going to do that… if you’re going to do that.”
“No, I’m not going to do that because my vote is nobody’s business. It’s priviledged information… like my social security number or bra size? I’d rather tell you my bra size. Wanna know it?”
“No… but… I don’t know if you get this but some of these local people are listening to you, your silly little internet stuff… [mumbles] and turn on the party [distracted by favorite scene in movie] maybe you just shouldn’t blog about it at all if you are uncertain.”
“Huh? What?”
“Well, you might alienate people.”
“Is this… I mean… huh? Are you suggesting if I can’t endorse Mike Faulk, I keep my opinions to myself? If I don’t support Republican candidates, then I shouldn’t write about local politics at all. My god, did someone suck your brains out with the Buchananator and dial the phone for you?”
“No, but you have to consider that people around here will be upset.”
” Well, so. What are they gonna do? I don’t have a Wikipedia page. Maybe they’ll get the Gregory Brothers whack me? Have Cecile poke me me in eye with her cell phone?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. I just think you should keep these people on your good side… You know what… you’re taking this all wrong. Write whatever the hell you want to… but I mean… not this. I don’t want you to write about this. You’re not going to are you?”
“Nah.”
But I’ll type it.
You crack me up. As for Aunt B, she’s got us all saying cooter.
`Coma, I was searching for a “Trouble with Harry’ pic to post with this – and you popped up in the search results. This has happened quite a few times. I would say: great minds think alike but “great minds have already thought it by the time I got there” might be more accurate. Still tickles me though.